I have had so many people tell me just recently, and all my life, not to life life with regrets. That my past makes me who I am today. Well, despite what all of those people tell me...I live my life with regret.
To most people, this would be bothersome. However, I view it as a handy dandy notebook of reminders of what to teach my kids, and friends, and everyone I come in contact with in my life. To me, living with regret isn't bad.
I regret so many things that I have done. I think about what if I would have done this or that differently, maybe I would be a better person than I am today. Maybe if I had been smart and never had sex, maybe I wouldn't be so tempted by the devil now that I live a Christian life. Or maybe if I would have had different friends, I would have gotten into the church sooner in life. Maybe if I wasn't such a crazy, terrible kid it would have been easier for my parents to raise me right. I could go on and on playing the what if games. I wish I was a better person every day of my life. I wish I had made better choices, and worked harder when I was younger. Some days all I see are mistakes in front of me, clouding everything I do. Some days it really gets me down. My friend Shayleigh gave me a wise word of advice today... What's done is done, and now you just pray about it. She is so right. What is done is done, and trust me, I pray about the things I have done constantly. But for me, getting over those things isn't easy. I know I am washed clean thanks to Jesus, and I know that Jesus loves me.... but those regrets still are a big part of me, because if those hadn't been a part of my life, I could have been serving Jesus long before I started a few months ago.
I think a lot of my regret comes from the fact that either A. The things I used to do still haunt me, and call on me today. or B. Because of them I wasn't able to serve Jesus as early as I wish I did... Now I know that I should regret really for those reasons, because like most people say, my past makes me who I am today. Well maybe I have been fooling myself and I don't like who I am today. I don't like being used by people because they know my past. I don't like being abused for it either. I don't like when I have weird urges and cravings that I wish would just burn in hell. I don't like getting to know people and revealing those things in my past, and intern being isolated or hated on. Granted, there are things I do like about myself... My work ethic, my floral team and my girls, how I teach and feel in a classroom, my students, and I like a lot of things and people in my life as well... but I definitely struggle with myself.
Hopefully one day I will be able to teach others thanks to my regrets. Or hopefully I can learn to just wipe myself clean, and keep all those past events to myself and pretend they never happened.. (though I do struggle with the thought of "lying" about it...) Either way, I pray that the Lord can help me through all of these feelings, and give me strength to love who I am.
