For some reason these last few weeks have been really draining for me. I hate this feeling. I hate always feeling tired and like I've gone brain dead. It isn't enjoyable for me what so ever.
The senior paper I this is really just making me feel blah. It's not hard, so that isn't the issue what so ever. I've turned everything in on time, and have managed to learn a lot through it. However, I feel like someone is holding my hand. I hate being treated like I need help and numbered steps for writing papers. I love writing papers. It comes natural for me, but when we have over a month to get everything taken care of for a paper, it is just plain tireding.
Through all this I still know God is good. At the end of every day, as I lay in bed and am just relaxing, I pull out my phone and turn on my bible and read what my plan tells me to read. I have done this 27 days now, and it feels amazing. I love being able to read Gods word when I am tired and I need encouraging words. I am always reminded that God is SO GOOD! I have learned so many thing that I never knew about God and the bible before, I enjoy it so much that it makes all the other crappy things worth it.
On another really awesome note I got new clothes the other day! After Christmas I tried to save up as much money as possible. I didn't get many new school clothes this year so what I had was getting really boring. I was wearing the same thing over and over again. I didn't really care what other people thought but it was making me feel down. Way down. Its weird how something just like your appearance could make you feel like crap. Anyway, Last weekend my bestest friends Taylor, Shayleigh and Jessy and I all went down to Tri Cities to finally get new clothes! Barbara also met me down there. So I had almost all my best friends helping me pick out a bunch of new clothes! I managed to get about 3 new outfits, at least. I feel ten times better about myself now that I have comfortable clothes that fit and don't make me feel self conscious about myself. Its really nice.
Things on the college front are looking good. I accepted my first scholarship of $3000. :) I have also been working on my state officer application too. I am kind of getting excited about that again as well. I just need to determine my goals for state office now. :)
Overall, life is nice other than being extremely tired and lethargic. Never forget that God is good, because really he is. :)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Talk it out
I need to talk it out.
Item #1: I hate the feeling of drifting away from people. I hate when best friends do not share about their lives and all of a sudden something big happens, or they disappear. I love that I do have friends that care about me, and I realize that they are not perfect. I have great friends, no doubt about it... but even the best of friends can hurt you. Nothing can ever guard your heart from hurt, and I know that. But it still sucks. I have never had friends who stuck with me through everything. Every friend that I made in my 7 years of living in Buckley either now treat me as I do not exist, or I have little to no contact with them. Since moving to Ephrata I haven't even had good friends until last May. I had the drama kind of friends, and the ones who always walk out. It hurts. My friendships have been a huge part in messing my life up, until now. I have a set of best friends who I know I can talk about anything with, and who are there for me. However, lately I feel like I am drifting away from them, and it really hurts, and it really sucks. I feel like I never got out of that "loosing" friend stage.
Item #2: Talking about my depression and suicide isn't easy for me. I trick myself into thinking it is time and time again. I've been able to talk about it without crying. Or without emotion. However this week i learned that is not always the case. In teaching academy we had the chance to share our story, and I did it without even thinking twice... until I started talking. I looked down at the ground and stuttered the entire time. It was hard. It had never been this hard before. I tried to take my life three times. I took mass amounts of ibuprofen... like 30-50 thinking I would fall asleep and ever wake up. That isn't the side effect of over dosing on those type of pills, I didn't know that... I really didn't want to be alive though. It was never a call for attention. I never thought "I need help." I just wanted to be gone. I thought the pain and suffering in the lives of others I caused out weighed the goodness I made happen. I still tend to think that, and I won't deny that I still think that sometimes, people's lives would be easier without me in them. I still want the easy way out from time to time. It is hard. It is one of the worst problems that has ever happened in my life. I get in a frame of mind where I don't think of anything other than "I don't want to be here." To feel so worthless, and without purpose that you want to take your own life, is a terrible, horrific feeling. I wish it on no one. My last attempt was the very worst. My dad and I got in a screaming match, and I got physical. He took me down. I wanted to leave, and he wouldn't even let me call my mom. Eventually he called her and talked to her. When he was in the other room I took 3 or 4 hand fulls of ibuprofen, thinking before I had never taken enough. Well after everyone calmed down, my dad tried to lecture me. However I was going In and out of my thought process and out of respect and wanting to listen to him, I told him what I had done. I spent the night puking my stomach out. My dad also slept on my bedroom floor, where he found the knife that was hidden under my pillow. I also used to cut. I started on July 4, 2007. I remember it really well. I had upset my mom to tears at a 4th of July party...I had humiliated her in front of her friends. I wasn't a good daughter. So when we got home, I went to the kitchen and got a steak knife, then I went out to the tent I was living in (in the back yard) and I proceeded to cut my wrist. A steak knife doesn't cut skin well, but it sure hurts. As a cutter, it was my weapon of choice. After realizing my wrists were to visible, i started cutting my thigh. The right one. I still can see faint scars. I think at one time I had over 30. I cut up until the end of my sophomore year. For 2 years I harmed myself, and thought about different ways to die on an almost daily basis. And again, as I still think about suicide, I still get the urge to cut myself as punishment. I'll dig my nails or keys or anything sharp into my wrists at times when I feel embarrassed, or stupid, or if I hurt someone without meaning to. Its not easy for me. and neither is talking about it. I'm not sure if things will ever get better for me. It may be something wrong in my head for all I know.
Item #4: I got accepted to college. I never thought I would even be alive to graduate high school. I never wanted to be. I never thought I could amount to anything. I never thought I would actually full fill my childhood dreams of becoming a teacher. That wasn't in my plans for the longest time. But now, I have to face the facts. I am alive. I just got accepted to the University of Idaho. I will become a teacher. I will do what I know I can do. Most of the time, I know I am worth it.
Item #5: State officer applications came out this past weekend. I'm not even sure how I feel about this anymore. With Mr. White gone, I am missing my push. It makes me cry actually just thinking about it. However, I know that in my heart, no mater how little push I have from my advisor, that I know I need to be in state office. I need to repay FFA for helping me save me from myself. I need to serve others. I need to learn more and teach more about agriculture. I need to work well with a team. I need to help save members who could be just like I was. I need to lite fires in FFA members. I want to work with Ag Teachers. I want to wear that blue jacket. So I need to push myself. My chapter believes in me. This is all part of my plan. It's worth putting off college for. FFA is worth it.
Item #6: I just gotta say, guys are way to complicated.
Item #7: My heart has been distracted lately from God. It's painful. I want to be so close, yet I still feel far. I pray and I read my bible, and I praise the Lord, yet I feel distant. I need His love in me. I want His love in me. I want Him. I want to give up everything for Him. I am willing to pay the price of following Jesus. Everything. I could really use some prayer on this. Or advice. I still sin... and I hate it so much.... I just want to wash myself clean... its really hard thought. its really hard when you can't tell anybody your deepest, darkest secrets without feeling scared or judged. There's just so much to me that I don't share out of pure fear... I wish that feeling on no one. Thankfully, God is good. He is always good, and I will never deny that.
Item #8: I have a floral contest coming up this weekend. I plan on kicking butt and taking names.
Item #9: Despite all this crap. I love my family. I love my friends. I love God. I love my teachers and leaders. I love my church. I love my church. I love my church family. I love FFA. I love life, no mater what. I wouldn't make it if I didn't tell myself that.
Xoxox. I love you too. Whoever you are reading this
Item #1: I hate the feeling of drifting away from people. I hate when best friends do not share about their lives and all of a sudden something big happens, or they disappear. I love that I do have friends that care about me, and I realize that they are not perfect. I have great friends, no doubt about it... but even the best of friends can hurt you. Nothing can ever guard your heart from hurt, and I know that. But it still sucks. I have never had friends who stuck with me through everything. Every friend that I made in my 7 years of living in Buckley either now treat me as I do not exist, or I have little to no contact with them. Since moving to Ephrata I haven't even had good friends until last May. I had the drama kind of friends, and the ones who always walk out. It hurts. My friendships have been a huge part in messing my life up, until now. I have a set of best friends who I know I can talk about anything with, and who are there for me. However, lately I feel like I am drifting away from them, and it really hurts, and it really sucks. I feel like I never got out of that "loosing" friend stage.
Item #2: Talking about my depression and suicide isn't easy for me. I trick myself into thinking it is time and time again. I've been able to talk about it without crying. Or without emotion. However this week i learned that is not always the case. In teaching academy we had the chance to share our story, and I did it without even thinking twice... until I started talking. I looked down at the ground and stuttered the entire time. It was hard. It had never been this hard before. I tried to take my life three times. I took mass amounts of ibuprofen... like 30-50 thinking I would fall asleep and ever wake up. That isn't the side effect of over dosing on those type of pills, I didn't know that... I really didn't want to be alive though. It was never a call for attention. I never thought "I need help." I just wanted to be gone. I thought the pain and suffering in the lives of others I caused out weighed the goodness I made happen. I still tend to think that, and I won't deny that I still think that sometimes, people's lives would be easier without me in them. I still want the easy way out from time to time. It is hard. It is one of the worst problems that has ever happened in my life. I get in a frame of mind where I don't think of anything other than "I don't want to be here." To feel so worthless, and without purpose that you want to take your own life, is a terrible, horrific feeling. I wish it on no one. My last attempt was the very worst. My dad and I got in a screaming match, and I got physical. He took me down. I wanted to leave, and he wouldn't even let me call my mom. Eventually he called her and talked to her. When he was in the other room I took 3 or 4 hand fulls of ibuprofen, thinking before I had never taken enough. Well after everyone calmed down, my dad tried to lecture me. However I was going In and out of my thought process and out of respect and wanting to listen to him, I told him what I had done. I spent the night puking my stomach out. My dad also slept on my bedroom floor, where he found the knife that was hidden under my pillow. I also used to cut. I started on July 4, 2007. I remember it really well. I had upset my mom to tears at a 4th of July party...I had humiliated her in front of her friends. I wasn't a good daughter. So when we got home, I went to the kitchen and got a steak knife, then I went out to the tent I was living in (in the back yard) and I proceeded to cut my wrist. A steak knife doesn't cut skin well, but it sure hurts. As a cutter, it was my weapon of choice. After realizing my wrists were to visible, i started cutting my thigh. The right one. I still can see faint scars. I think at one time I had over 30. I cut up until the end of my sophomore year. For 2 years I harmed myself, and thought about different ways to die on an almost daily basis. And again, as I still think about suicide, I still get the urge to cut myself as punishment. I'll dig my nails or keys or anything sharp into my wrists at times when I feel embarrassed, or stupid, or if I hurt someone without meaning to. Its not easy for me. and neither is talking about it. I'm not sure if things will ever get better for me. It may be something wrong in my head for all I know.
Item #4: I got accepted to college. I never thought I would even be alive to graduate high school. I never wanted to be. I never thought I could amount to anything. I never thought I would actually full fill my childhood dreams of becoming a teacher. That wasn't in my plans for the longest time. But now, I have to face the facts. I am alive. I just got accepted to the University of Idaho. I will become a teacher. I will do what I know I can do. Most of the time, I know I am worth it.
Item #5: State officer applications came out this past weekend. I'm not even sure how I feel about this anymore. With Mr. White gone, I am missing my push. It makes me cry actually just thinking about it. However, I know that in my heart, no mater how little push I have from my advisor, that I know I need to be in state office. I need to repay FFA for helping me save me from myself. I need to serve others. I need to learn more and teach more about agriculture. I need to work well with a team. I need to help save members who could be just like I was. I need to lite fires in FFA members. I want to work with Ag Teachers. I want to wear that blue jacket. So I need to push myself. My chapter believes in me. This is all part of my plan. It's worth putting off college for. FFA is worth it.
Item #6: I just gotta say, guys are way to complicated.
Item #7: My heart has been distracted lately from God. It's painful. I want to be so close, yet I still feel far. I pray and I read my bible, and I praise the Lord, yet I feel distant. I need His love in me. I want His love in me. I want Him. I want to give up everything for Him. I am willing to pay the price of following Jesus. Everything. I could really use some prayer on this. Or advice. I still sin... and I hate it so much.... I just want to wash myself clean... its really hard thought. its really hard when you can't tell anybody your deepest, darkest secrets without feeling scared or judged. There's just so much to me that I don't share out of pure fear... I wish that feeling on no one. Thankfully, God is good. He is always good, and I will never deny that.
Item #8: I have a floral contest coming up this weekend. I plan on kicking butt and taking names.
Item #9: Despite all this crap. I love my family. I love my friends. I love God. I love my teachers and leaders. I love my church. I love my church. I love my church family. I love FFA. I love life, no mater what. I wouldn't make it if I didn't tell myself that.
Xoxox. I love you too. Whoever you are reading this
Friday, January 7, 2011
I'm hitting Easy Street in mud tires...
This in my life have been interesting. I'm not sure what else to say about it. I have been on the weirdest roller coaster of emotions and I haven't been able to write about it. But I finally feel like I could.
For some reason I have been focusing on my future, every little thing about it, and it is actually really getting to me. In teaching academy we have been talking about disabilities, and accommodations ect while in classrooms, and it just has me thinking about how hard that will be for me, and it makes me feel like a bad teacher. I turned in my college application which makes me focused on that, instead of state office, which is really what my heart wants...It jumps at the slightest thought of state convention in May. I've been thinking about marriage and a family a lot too. I know this shouldn't be any of my concern. I'm 18 and I haven't even finished high school, but I've never wanted a family till now, so i want one.. now. Make sense? I have a tiny family. 1 real Aunt, and 1 real uncle. No real cousins and I just have one brother and one sister. My family virtually ends after that. I have no cousins, or no best friends in my family. I wasn't able to learn from my older sibling like I wanted to, or even my younger one. I want it different for my kids and grand kids. I want lots of kids so they can be each others friends as they get older.. and so there will be lots of cousins and aunts and uncles. By no means do I want 14 kids..unless the Lord wants me to have them.. but I think I would be happy with 5 or 7.. (no even numbers ;) haha But with that.. comes the fear of never getting married. Which is probably one of my biggest fears. I never feel like I am good enough, which is terrible but seems to be so dang true. I have tons of people and adults both male and female telling me that it WILL happen, and I pray to God for His will to work in my life..but its so hard to come to terms with because why would anyone be interested later if no one is now...Lord, please help me in this area..
On a brighter note, I have turned in my application to the University of Idaho. I have filled out my fafsa, as well as, signed up for the SAT's and filled out my FFA Scholarship application. I am very proud of myself for all of this.. I thought I would be dead before I even got to this point in my life, and yet I am here. Hallelujah!
I also really feel compelled to mention my best friend. Now, I have 7 best friends that I love with alllll my heart. Taylor, Maile, Lesa, Shayleigh, Jess, George, and Barbara are all amazing people and they help me in so many ways in life. But lately, I have felt exceptionally close to Barbara. Her and I have been friends since.. April of last year? and we have already been through a lot. She is really special to me... all the way down to teasing me about my FFA backpack by asking if I had FFA underwear... Barbara is such an amazing inspiration to me. Her faith keeps me so strong; she is one of the main reasons that I stayed going back to church at first. We have been through some really crappy things, and we tend to look at things the same way. Her family is great, and I love being around them. Bsk has been there for me whenever I need her and I hope I have been there for her. She is special to me as a friend... and I hope I never have to go through life without being able to call her my best friend. I love you Barbsie :)
Overall, life is good. God is great. I had a good break from school and a nice Christmas. Even though my emotions are crazy.. they don't reflect my life.. because for once, its just smooth sailing. :)
For some reason I have been focusing on my future, every little thing about it, and it is actually really getting to me. In teaching academy we have been talking about disabilities, and accommodations ect while in classrooms, and it just has me thinking about how hard that will be for me, and it makes me feel like a bad teacher. I turned in my college application which makes me focused on that, instead of state office, which is really what my heart wants...It jumps at the slightest thought of state convention in May. I've been thinking about marriage and a family a lot too. I know this shouldn't be any of my concern. I'm 18 and I haven't even finished high school, but I've never wanted a family till now, so i want one.. now. Make sense? I have a tiny family. 1 real Aunt, and 1 real uncle. No real cousins and I just have one brother and one sister. My family virtually ends after that. I have no cousins, or no best friends in my family. I wasn't able to learn from my older sibling like I wanted to, or even my younger one. I want it different for my kids and grand kids. I want lots of kids so they can be each others friends as they get older.. and so there will be lots of cousins and aunts and uncles. By no means do I want 14 kids..unless the Lord wants me to have them.. but I think I would be happy with 5 or 7.. (no even numbers ;) haha But with that.. comes the fear of never getting married. Which is probably one of my biggest fears. I never feel like I am good enough, which is terrible but seems to be so dang true. I have tons of people and adults both male and female telling me that it WILL happen, and I pray to God for His will to work in my life..but its so hard to come to terms with because why would anyone be interested later if no one is now...Lord, please help me in this area..
On a brighter note, I have turned in my application to the University of Idaho. I have filled out my fafsa, as well as, signed up for the SAT's and filled out my FFA Scholarship application. I am very proud of myself for all of this.. I thought I would be dead before I even got to this point in my life, and yet I am here. Hallelujah!
I also really feel compelled to mention my best friend. Now, I have 7 best friends that I love with alllll my heart. Taylor, Maile, Lesa, Shayleigh, Jess, George, and Barbara are all amazing people and they help me in so many ways in life. But lately, I have felt exceptionally close to Barbara. Her and I have been friends since.. April of last year? and we have already been through a lot. She is really special to me... all the way down to teasing me about my FFA backpack by asking if I had FFA underwear... Barbara is such an amazing inspiration to me. Her faith keeps me so strong; she is one of the main reasons that I stayed going back to church at first. We have been through some really crappy things, and we tend to look at things the same way. Her family is great, and I love being around them. Bsk has been there for me whenever I need her and I hope I have been there for her. She is special to me as a friend... and I hope I never have to go through life without being able to call her my best friend. I love you Barbsie :)
Overall, life is good. God is great. I had a good break from school and a nice Christmas. Even though my emotions are crazy.. they don't reflect my life.. because for once, its just smooth sailing. :)
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