I need to talk it out.
Item #1: I hate the feeling of drifting away from people. I hate when best friends do not share about their lives and all of a sudden something big happens, or they disappear. I love that I do have friends that care about me, and I realize that they are not perfect. I have great friends, no doubt about it... but even the best of friends can hurt you. Nothing can ever guard your heart from hurt, and I know that. But it still sucks. I have never had friends who stuck with me through everything. Every friend that I made in my 7 years of living in Buckley either now treat me as I do not exist, or I have little to no contact with them. Since moving to Ephrata I haven't even had good friends until last May. I had the drama kind of friends, and the ones who always walk out. It hurts. My friendships have been a huge part in messing my life up, until now. I have a set of best friends who I know I can talk about anything with, and who are there for me. However, lately I feel like I am drifting away from them, and it really hurts, and it really sucks. I feel like I never got out of that "loosing" friend stage.
Item #2: Talking about my depression and suicide isn't easy for me. I trick myself into thinking it is time and time again. I've been able to talk about it without crying. Or without emotion. However this week i learned that is not always the case. In teaching academy we had the chance to share our story, and I did it without even thinking twice... until I started talking. I looked down at the ground and stuttered the entire time. It was hard. It had never been this hard before. I tried to take my life three times. I took mass amounts of ibuprofen... like 30-50 thinking I would fall asleep and ever wake up. That isn't the side effect of over dosing on those type of pills, I didn't know that... I really didn't want to be alive though. It was never a call for attention. I never thought "I need help." I just wanted to be gone. I thought the pain and suffering in the lives of others I caused out weighed the goodness I made happen. I still tend to think that, and I won't deny that I still think that sometimes, people's lives would be easier without me in them. I still want the easy way out from time to time. It is hard. It is one of the worst problems that has ever happened in my life. I get in a frame of mind where I don't think of anything other than "I don't want to be here." To feel so worthless, and without purpose that you want to take your own life, is a terrible, horrific feeling. I wish it on no one. My last attempt was the very worst. My dad and I got in a screaming match, and I got physical. He took me down. I wanted to leave, and he wouldn't even let me call my mom. Eventually he called her and talked to her. When he was in the other room I took 3 or 4 hand fulls of ibuprofen, thinking before I had never taken enough. Well after everyone calmed down, my dad tried to lecture me. However I was going In and out of my thought process and out of respect and wanting to listen to him, I told him what I had done. I spent the night puking my stomach out. My dad also slept on my bedroom floor, where he found the knife that was hidden under my pillow. I also used to cut. I started on July 4, 2007. I remember it really well. I had upset my mom to tears at a 4th of July party...I had humiliated her in front of her friends. I wasn't a good daughter. So when we got home, I went to the kitchen and got a steak knife, then I went out to the tent I was living in (in the back yard) and I proceeded to cut my wrist. A steak knife doesn't cut skin well, but it sure hurts. As a cutter, it was my weapon of choice. After realizing my wrists were to visible, i started cutting my thigh. The right one. I still can see faint scars. I think at one time I had over 30. I cut up until the end of my sophomore year. For 2 years I harmed myself, and thought about different ways to die on an almost daily basis. And again, as I still think about suicide, I still get the urge to cut myself as punishment. I'll dig my nails or keys or anything sharp into my wrists at times when I feel embarrassed, or stupid, or if I hurt someone without meaning to. Its not easy for me. and neither is talking about it. I'm not sure if things will ever get better for me. It may be something wrong in my head for all I know.
Item #4: I got accepted to college. I never thought I would even be alive to graduate high school. I never wanted to be. I never thought I could amount to anything. I never thought I would actually full fill my childhood dreams of becoming a teacher. That wasn't in my plans for the longest time. But now, I have to face the facts. I am alive. I just got accepted to the University of Idaho. I will become a teacher. I will do what I know I can do. Most of the time, I know I am worth it.
Item #5: State officer applications came out this past weekend. I'm not even sure how I feel about this anymore. With Mr. White gone, I am missing my push. It makes me cry actually just thinking about it. However, I know that in my heart, no mater how little push I have from my advisor, that I know I need to be in state office. I need to repay FFA for helping me save me from myself. I need to serve others. I need to learn more and teach more about agriculture. I need to work well with a team. I need to help save members who could be just like I was. I need to lite fires in FFA members. I want to work with Ag Teachers. I want to wear that blue jacket. So I need to push myself. My chapter believes in me. This is all part of my plan. It's worth putting off college for. FFA is worth it.
Item #6: I just gotta say, guys are way to complicated.
Item #7: My heart has been distracted lately from God. It's painful. I want to be so close, yet I still feel far. I pray and I read my bible, and I praise the Lord, yet I feel distant. I need His love in me. I want His love in me. I want Him. I want to give up everything for Him. I am willing to pay the price of following Jesus. Everything. I could really use some prayer on this. Or advice. I still sin... and I hate it so much.... I just want to wash myself clean... its really hard thought. its really hard when you can't tell anybody your deepest, darkest secrets without feeling scared or judged. There's just so much to me that I don't share out of pure fear... I wish that feeling on no one. Thankfully, God is good. He is always good, and I will never deny that.
Item #8: I have a floral contest coming up this weekend. I plan on kicking butt and taking names.
Item #9: Despite all this crap. I love my family. I love my friends. I love God. I love my teachers and leaders. I love my church. I love my church. I love my church family. I love FFA. I love life, no mater what. I wouldn't make it if I didn't tell myself that.
Xoxox. I love you too. Whoever you are reading this
