This in my life have been interesting. I'm not sure what else to say about it. I have been on the weirdest roller coaster of emotions and I haven't been able to write about it. But I finally feel like I could.
For some reason I have been focusing on my future, every little thing about it, and it is actually really getting to me. In teaching academy we have been talking about disabilities, and accommodations ect while in classrooms, and it just has me thinking about how hard that will be for me, and it makes me feel like a bad teacher. I turned in my college application which makes me focused on that, instead of state office, which is really what my heart wants...It jumps at the slightest thought of state convention in May. I've been thinking about marriage and a family a lot too. I know this shouldn't be any of my concern. I'm 18 and I haven't even finished high school, but I've never wanted a family till now, so i want one.. now. Make sense? I have a tiny family. 1 real Aunt, and 1 real uncle. No real cousins and I just have one brother and one sister. My family virtually ends after that. I have no cousins, or no best friends in my family. I wasn't able to learn from my older sibling like I wanted to, or even my younger one. I want it different for my kids and grand kids. I want lots of kids so they can be each others friends as they get older.. and so there will be lots of cousins and aunts and uncles. By no means do I want 14 kids..unless the Lord wants me to have them.. but I think I would be happy with 5 or 7.. (no even numbers ;) haha But with that.. comes the fear of never getting married. Which is probably one of my biggest fears. I never feel like I am good enough, which is terrible but seems to be so dang true. I have tons of people and adults both male and female telling me that it WILL happen, and I pray to God for His will to work in my life..but its so hard to come to terms with because why would anyone be interested later if no one is now...Lord, please help me in this area..
On a brighter note, I have turned in my application to the University of Idaho. I have filled out my fafsa, as well as, signed up for the SAT's and filled out my FFA Scholarship application. I am very proud of myself for all of this.. I thought I would be dead before I even got to this point in my life, and yet I am here. Hallelujah!
I also really feel compelled to mention my best friend. Now, I have 7 best friends that I love with alllll my heart. Taylor, Maile, Lesa, Shayleigh, Jess, George, and Barbara are all amazing people and they help me in so many ways in life. But lately, I have felt exceptionally close to Barbara. Her and I have been friends since.. April of last year? and we have already been through a lot. She is really special to me... all the way down to teasing me about my FFA backpack by asking if I had FFA underwear... Barbara is such an amazing inspiration to me. Her faith keeps me so strong; she is one of the main reasons that I stayed going back to church at first. We have been through some really crappy things, and we tend to look at things the same way. Her family is great, and I love being around them. Bsk has been there for me whenever I need her and I hope I have been there for her. She is special to me as a friend... and I hope I never have to go through life without being able to call her my best friend. I love you Barbsie :)
Overall, life is good. God is great. I had a good break from school and a nice Christmas. Even though my emotions are crazy.. they don't reflect my life.. because for once, its just smooth sailing. :)
